KITTEN TALK 16: Dreams & Experiences
Happy Friday Kittens !
Today’s topic I was very nervous at first to write about but I felt the need to do it anyway.
I was inspired to write this post due to an amazing podcast I was listening to by Nathalie Hughes on her Naked and Noisy podcast. I will link it down below but it was basically about her dreams and situations in her life. I thought it was very brave and inspiring and as someone who also thinks our dreams do symbolize and mean things , it was just a pleasure to listen to.
While listening, I started to think about my own dreams I’ve had lately and situations I been through in life where I felt belittled, shamed , bullied and gossiped about for sharing how I felt to others.
One example I have is an ex of mine I dated for a long time during college. I was with dude for like 4 years and there was more red flags there than a food bazaar market ( you know when you in the hood and the supermarket has the flags hanging off lines outside , I hope that make sense )
But yeah it was very toxic and draining. I started to actually have health issues due to everything going on.
One issue we had was he always shamed and brought up the fact I had him wait 3 months ( !) to have sex. Like first of all dude you the first dick encounter I would have ( I only dated girls before him) and in all honesty I wasn’t in a rush to be in bed with him. I didn’t understand the pressure he put on me. From what I observe and understand now , he took too much emphasis what others thought ( something I did in other ways ) and because he was a virgin and made fun of for it , he felt he had to prove something to others. Even when we were friends and I heard the jokes made by others , I didn’t get the whole deal about being a virgin ( most people I feel are virgins at 18/ 19 nooo ? And I think it’s super cute when people wait ) so what the hell is the big issue ?? But he was someone that took it to heart and I feel pressured me to do things I otherwise wasn’t confident in speaking up at the time to prove something to others. And even when it happened he shamed me for making him wait and accused me of fucking a friend of his before which never happened, nonstop to a point I exploded and said he brings this argument up again I would break up with him ( which I should of to be honest, but I give my younger self grace, she only did what she thought was right at the time )
Another example I have is there have been numerous occasions I felt I became friend group enemy #1. I had a friend for a very long time who really wasn’t a great example of a friend ( I used to say it’s on sight when I see her but now wish her well just stay far away from me ) and she would turn people against me or gossip about me and try to guilt me for being upset at her. Eventually I cut her off cause sis what you not gone do is stress my highly blessed ,highly favored , juicy pussy pretty self out ! Just absolutely not.
I think I attracted certain experiences of fake friends or disingenuous people because I was not genuine with myself and not respecting how I felt when xy or z would happen. I swept it under the rug to keep the “ peace” when I was raging inside.
Due to childhood experience , emotions were put under the rug and speaking up you were shamed , belittled and told you were crazy. I witnessed and been through a lot of messed up shit that I am realizing now still affects me to this day. I was a very anxious , timid, somewhat sheltered little girl who didn’t have much of a social circle until I got a bit older.
I am learning now as a 25 ( my birthday is in like 2 weeks so 26! ) year old woman who is just starting to feel how she feels and respect and learn how she feels that it’s okay to speak up because one thing I won’t allow is someone having me fucked up and trying to treat me a certain way due to their own insecurities and inabilities to recognize what the fuck is bothering them. And I would not be that sponge or someone you try to beat down cause you can’t pick up a damn pen and journal how the fuck you feel and you wanna project on me, hoe !
There are so many resources and people you can meet online it’s just crazy to me to not bother to try to learn more about yourself. If you find yourself triggered or upset at someone, look within. I believe people mirror each other in some sense and we need to take that opportunity to see what is bothering us.
Like I said in the podcast she talked about dreams she had ( think it was about 3 she spoke about) and lately my dreams have been very telling too.
One dream I had was a few hours actually after me and her ( Nath) spoke about some personal stuff in the DMs and she gave me some insight and that VERY night I had a dream about being in a haunted house. I was trying on clothes and I couldn’t because these beings or things kept popping out and fucking up the mood ( I’m writing this is a funny way but I’m pretty sure dream me was freaking the fuck out , plus I can lucid dream / control my thoughts / speech so it’s more intense ) and when I woke up the next morning I looked it up and it said how a haunted house can represent unacknowledged feelings, repressed memories , unfinished business etc. I said bitchhhhhh.
Like I said, before my childhood experience emotions were shamed and you ( me ) was expected to be quiet, get good grades , not say shit when I see something or told something horrible etc etc.
As an adult , I am moving through processing my emotions , feeling them but I find myself bulldozing or quickly finding a way to feel better so I don’t feel whatever “ horrible “ feeling I’m having. But deep down I still feel sad, upset , horrible , anxious and I am not acknowledging it. I bury it because I’m not used to FEELING and it’s uncomfortable. But ignoring doesn’t make things disappear. It doesn’t solve anything.
That tactic blocks you off from higher source.
I started the other day this journal prompt that every time I feel a negative emotion I break down what’s going on, how exactly I’m feeling ( example : scared because I am writing this blog post now and I am scared / nervous it will create drama and people will talk about me ) and what happened before to make me believe this pattern of thought and it’s been really cathartic!
I want to continue to acknowledge how I feel, because the more you practice something the easier it gets each time.
I hope this was helpful to those reading and thank you for taking the time to be in this space!
Love you all
XOXO
Podcast Link :
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4fVZvwJFrvLmqU8VnRBRPP?si=wXB5HuNbSA6cl76rW-nSsw&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A1ABYM9iQO6avp4Thpo4oL6
Digital Journal:
https://www.nathhughes.com/freebie
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