KITTEN TALK 24: Fear of Being Seen
I write this just as I was posting a selfie and Tiktok video lol.
Hi Kittens ! I am back with another lifestory post.
I was thinking about this fear I have been dealing with of being seen.
Growing up, as a small child I didn't have much friends ( or good friends) , I was lonesome in my early elementary and middle school years. I had really bad anxiety ( I actually didn't know what " anxiety" was until college when I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder) I stuck to myself in general, played video games at home, and read lots of books ( which I am getting back to pleasure reading after a long time)
As I got older, I got more comfortable being myself, made friends ( 2 of my best friends I met in high school and we're still friends to this day) went out,all the fun stuff you do in your late teens and twenties.
But in recent years I have felt it in ways to pertaining to my business and relationships.
There was this post I saw the other day and the person talked about how they used to hate being stared at, they felt people were judging them and maybe it's my New York attitude but I understood that. The past years I have been better at not assuming what others may be thinking about me. I mean maybe theyre staring cause they like my tattoos or my hair or just my pretty ass face in general?
I have felt it come up for my business in the sense this does " require" I get vulnerable on here. I mean I share stories about myself here. Sometimes I am afraid to word something this way or post something on Instagram or Tiktok and feel people may misinterpret what I am sharing. How do I promote my business and will people see me as the best sex coach out there? Does what I research and share help people?
Will I attract the right man for me ? Make more friends? Collaborations? Travel and live in my desired places?
I think it all plays in to my inner child fears of being rejected, made fun of, judged and misunderstood. I grew up what others may say was " comfortable." I never experienced stuff like hunger, bouncing house to house, unclean clothes but I have dealt with abuses such as physical and emotional. I had an eating disorder at one point and just an overall negative mindset at those time. Now I can say with the support I got from my friends, and through my therapy and having a coach, its not as big as before but it has come up.
It's come up when sharing content to promote my coaching, it has come up when talking with potential suitors, it has come up with making new friendships and partnerships. My goal is to shift this more and more to the side of courage and enjoying being who I am.
Being like everyone else or doing what others do is always been boring to me.
How will people hear about me and what I have to say if I am quiet? How will they find someone as good as me to help them with their intimacy questions? How will I find the friends, partnerships and lover if I am too closed off?
When I was in my last year of college, I had this teacher that every assignment I was submitting she was accusing me of plagiarism.
Bitch.. me?? Plagiarism?
Mind you, I went to a creative writing highschool. My bachelor's degree is in International Relations ( minor in Sociology and I took Mandarin Chinese and lived in Beijing for 6 months) , so a lot of it entailed keeping up with the news, reading books and you guessed it- tons and tons of writing. Lots of assignments and projects. I had some of the best teachers on campus for the previous two years so wouldn't they have picked up on me "plagiarising " ?? It didn't make sense to me at all and whenever I met with her to discuss, she didn't show me any of her evidence that I am, and would just threaten to report me and uh if you didn't know - plagiarism can get you kicked out of college and bitch I was on scholarship and all that- so why would I risk it going away??
I settled for her just giving me a D for the class instead of " reporting" and having a whole meeting with multiple school officials to ' defend" myself because at that time of my life I was dealing with other stuff and just didn't want to bother.
But this situation was very stressful and made me second guess myself especially with my writing. Especially with my own creative writing and worrying what people might think or accuse me of stealing cause it ends up somehow similar to other people's shit.
I realized this was something coming up as I was writing this blog post and sharing made me feel better just now. I have no desire to like go back and curse her out or report anything, but I realized it was one of those situations that impacted how I felt about shit in general.
So with that, the whole point is just me learning to trust myself and just have fun in all honesty. I have my voice and want to put it out there because I know people out here can relate. My previous experiences do not determine now or the future- and that's something I want you to realize too. What we may have gone through in our lives may have sucked, broke our hearts or distracted us - but it does not have to determine our life story. Period.
Well- this is the end. I am tired and want to sleep lol.
I have mentioned on my Youtube and previous blog posts that I am working on a course to be released soon surrounding shame and stepping into your sexy liberated self- stay tuned. But if you are finding yourself needing guidance now- I offer 1-1 sessions so you can walk in confidence about your sexuality.
Till next time.
xoxo
Brianna
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