KITTEN TALK 32: WHY OVERTHINKING FUCKS THE MOOD 💭
Happy Saturday! and Happy Leo Season to the Leo girlies!
Let's get into today's topic!
Ahh overthinking.
It's definitely gotten better over the years, but my nickname at a certain point should have been " Overthinker" because my mind was always racing a mile a minute depending on whatever issue I was so fixated on. Sometimes it was college courses, sometimes it was relationship issues or personal things going on. Overthinking and fixating on things was my mind's way at the time of saying " If we don't worry about this, things will go bad."
Especially as adults, some of us struggle with overthinking because of childhood wounds. Maybe you lived in a high stress environment, such as your parents struggling to pay bills or constantly moving homes or a toxic home environment such as constant fighting. These types of situations can create a part of us that is constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.
And as adults, we have more responsibilities than childhood, such as having a job, paying rent, doing chores etc. On top of making time for friends dates or trying to make time for that new hobby.
We may feel we have so many things to juggle and obligations, especially if you and your partner have a family, that worry wart of ourselves pops up when it feels we have to always prepare for the worst or ruminate on things longer than usual.
Especially in terms of romance, not only do we have our own lives, but we're basically sharing it with another person. It's easy to be swept up with our overthinking and say " I am just preparing for the worst " or " I have to be sure this is done so I have to bog myself down about it until it is " that we're not present anymore with ourselves or our partner. We are so worried about making sure ABC is done or if we said this in the wrong way or if our partner is being truthful about what they are doing when they're busy, that no time is really being made to address the problem- it's just ruminating in it.
For example, you can be in the middle of sex but worrying about something happening at work, or you're so wrapped up in the chores that haven't been done this week- that you're not totally present during sex, and your partner senses that and feels a type of way that you're not paying attention to them. This happening on a constant basis can make your partner feel abandoned..
So here are some ways you can make peace with and tame the overthinking:
1. Schedule sex: Yeah, I know. Some people may roll their eyes. Some people think "scheduling" sex is weird and it should happen " naturally and spontaneously. " But hear me out. Not only is scheduling sex a great way to build anticipation, but it can also help you make some adjustments to make the day of way easier and fun. For example, you and your friends may have planned an outing, and you're looking at your calendar countdown with anticipation: talking about the plans, who is coming, what to wear etc. You made sure your schedule was cleared in order to count yourself in that day. The same can be for sex with your boo, scheduling can give a sense of excitement and anticipation, especially if you and your partner have been discussing new things to try such as toys or positions. You're also more than likely to make sure that time frame is clear, so you probably get a jumpstart on any chores, calls to make or scheduling grandparents to pick up the kids for the night. You have less to essentially worry over the day of and can give your full attention to your partner.
2. Practicing Mindfulness: An overactive mind needs tools in order to help calm down any anxieties and fears you are experiencing. I personally love and recommend meditations; I will link down below some recommendations. Benefits of meditation are reducing stress, more self- awareness and you can do it pretty much anywhere anytime! I usually do morning meditations and try to do one at night at the very least, there's so many out there if you do a simple YouTube search. Whenever I am experiencing anxiety, I know that my mind can't focus on anything, and I feel overstimulated. So, I will lay down and do at least 5-10 minutes of meditation. Sometimes I meditate multiple times a day! Paying attention to how you feel and what is exactly bothering you is giving yourself the love and attention you need at that moment. I also recommend you journal about it, ask yourself what are you anxious about: is it a situation? a person? Something that has been ongoing and you're not sure what to do? Accept how you feel instead of trying to punish yourself for overthinking again. Write it all down and ask yourself how you will take steps to handle it. Calming your nervous system is the first step in figuring out solutions.
3. Communication. Yes, you've heard it a million times already. I recently made a post the other day on how communication is key to relationships, I will link it down below. Communication is something you should practice every day. I mean we can facetime and text our friends all the time, but we freeze up when it comes to our partners. Have you been eating a lot of pizza lately and worried your partner will say something about your belly? Have you been wanting to try a new fantasy in the bedroom but afraid your partner will judge you? Talking to your partner about these things helps a relationship be more transparent rather than smoke and mirrors. Just like if your partner is going through something and you would like them to share it with you, you should do the same for them. Keeping them ignorant doesn't do any favors, especially when it comes to sex. They may notice a shift in your attitude and ask about it, so that's where your communication skills must come in. For example, you want to try out a new fantasy. You can bring up to your partner you want to speak with them (if they appear nervous maybe assure them it's nothing bad and you can't wait to speak with them), schedule a time together and then meet up in the bedroom or their place or whatever you choose to talk in. By this time, you may have already done research on this particular fantasy, you can have notes set aside physically or on your phone to assure them you know what you're talking about. You can have some speaking points you wrote down/ practiced beforehand so you don't lose track and answer any questions they may have. The point isn't to "convince" someone to do something you want to do, it's to get your side out and express something intimate you want to do with them. They may or may not want to do with it, but setting the time aside and doing the research assures them you are serious and wanted their opinion. Same for the pizza example, before sex you can tell your partner you're feeling a bit insecure lately because you're bloated or have had a weight gain. Telling them you are nervous about being naked in front of them can give them the chance to reassure you that you are beautiful no matter what. But this can't be done if you rather be quiet and keep them in the dark and they're questioning why you are wrapped up in the sheets for the last 30 minutes. You can't get the reassurance you need if you choose to be silent about it. Being vulnerable can be scary but sharing that with your partner gives them the chance to give you the love and support you need.
So, these are some tips I wanted to share! Overthinking can fuck up the mood, so we need to find healthy outlets in releasing any shame or fear and move in a more confident way when it comes to our romantic relationships. Scheduling intimate time, practicing mindfulness and being transparent with our partners through solid communication, can help ease stressful thoughts and feelings. The more you practice the more your mind and relationship will flourish!
Comment down below any tips you have when it comes to overthinking ! I am sure other members of the community would love to hear your thoughts!
For further guidance and services, links are down below. Thank you Kittens !
Recommended Meditations:
https://youtu.be/8JcnN3TAABU?si=vNxiaT0TDuxak1gd
https://youtu.be/pFl4TEjF600?si=hZ0V4oUmhB2mpLsl
https://youtu.be/SuuX7YKnfuc?si=q4wyZT0Du3VKdhMp
https://youtu.be/cyu96YpJK-A?si=UBC7E5nYq6OWsfHf
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