KITTEN TALKS 3: Healing, Self Love and Relationships

So this is a topic that one of the lovely kittens suggested I speak on and I'm here with it.

I want to make this blog post to speak on self love/ care and relationships we deal with in everyday life.

This may be a bit more lengthy post and I will put personal anecdotes ( not too personal to keep privacy) but enough that you get the idea of what I am trying to tell you, that these things are important and serve for your higher good.

Not me being spiritual wow ( which will come in future posts my journey in Spirituality)

So let's start with relationships.

I don't mean just cuddling with your partner and gushing over each other and ignoring the movie that's playing infront of yall. I'm talking about when a boundary is broken and you're hurt, and you decide to lash out or even shut out your partner for days on end.  I'm talking about friends who treat you weird or a family member who may ignore your feelings.

From what I have observed and even experienced, is that a lot of people get into relationships, enjoying the little honeymoon stage, and when that is over, and real issues start to come up, people freeze. People have long term friendships and are afraid to cut that friend off. They don't want to correct a family member at the BBQ to avoid confrontation.

And I am not guilt tripping people for this, we all have our reasons for wanting to keep a person around or to keep the peace. But eventually you need to grow out of that mindset of saying nothing, especially if you want to maintain healthy, long lasting relationships.

As someone who has dated before and been in actual LONG TERM relationships ( including friendships) I realized I was the type to ignore red flags, in hopes that whom I chose as a friend or potential life partner is perfect and they wouldn't do x and y. That I wouldn't have to question their loyalty because as much as they wanted this connection, I wanted it too. 

Ignoring red flags to me is kind of like running a red light. Sure, disobey traffic laws and you'll find yourself probably getting a ticket or causing something that can get you or someone else hurt.

I think its natural for a lot of us, especially if you're an " empath" to find reasons as to why people act the way they are, and you feel bad for them, maybe you feel you'll change them ( comes from a place of Narcissism - don't believe me, do some research) or you feel its such a minor thing that its not a big deal. 

I will give an example. I was scrolling fb and found this post ( the original poster deleted it but I will give a short summary. so the story goes a woman ( we'll name her A) was meeting with a girlfriend of hers ( we'll name her B) , and they went out to eat. A's card declined but she did have money in it, must of been a machine error or a bank error, so she goes to the nearest ATM to take out the money. On her way back, a man ( albeit an attractive one) goes up to her to chat her up. Said man is speaking with A, when B comes up and says" there you are, since your card declined I had to pay so give me the $30" A and B get in an argument. A gives B the money that she got out of the ATM and B storms off. Safe to say the man was stunned by it all.

Now I done read that post like :

Now if you don't have the same reaction as me - reread the story and really let it simmer why that whole situation is wrong on B's part.

If you haven't figured it out let me ask this : Why would B find it necessary to point out her friend's card declined, especially infront of a stranger ? 

Not to mention he was attractive...

Ya'll getting where I am at ?

Now I'm nosy. I wanted more info, so I scroll into the comments of the post and the author explains how she does have a job and actually makes money- her card happened to just be acting weird. And that the lunch date with the friend ( person B) was really about Person B being down on her luck and was actually asking about borrowing money. She also says how this isn't the first time person B has attempted to embarrass or play jokes on Person A behalf, this was just the last straw. 

Person B , someone asking for person A help, thought a man , a stranger's attention was worth more than their friendship, despite the very reason she was seeing said friend was to ask about money- the same money she wanted person A to look like they don't have.

We can talk all day what this shows. Person A claiming this isn't the first time person B has acted that way towards her, shows some red flags that were present before this explosive argument.

This is to tell you, if you're a great person , if you make a certain amount of money, if you have a career you love if you have certain skills or talents, if you live life a certain way, there's gonna be jealousy. Some bitterness. And that is not always going to come from strangers, it'll come from people you call friends, people you'll spend time with thinking nothing is wrong and deep inside they loathe you. They wish they were you ( envy) or think what you have you don't deserve ( jealousy)

That comes from a lack mentality. Someone who feels they're not deserving of what the Universe can give them, those that think you may be better than them ( when really no one is better than the next person) rather be mad at you and your happiness, than evaluate themselves and why they feel such things.

I will give a small personal story. So I had a "best friend" for many years, We talked everyday. We'll go to each other's house all the time. Our parents knew the other , the whole shebang. We even made plans to go to college together and start a business together ( lol ) and other things. Typical best friends stuff. What I came to realize was I was ignoring red flags and it eventually blew up. Long story short I found out I was being gossiped about, we got into arguments over very mundane things, etc. Things that wouldn't bother my other friends bothered her greatly. 

I tried to understand her view, but really I was internalizing all the hurtful things being said about me and feeling like I'm this bad person.

Which I'm not. I like to think I'm a good or decent person. I do not seek drama. My days always consisted of my work or business, naps, listening to KPOP and watching BTS Run show.

Literally my highlight of the week is dying my hair hot pink.

Me and this person are not friends anymore. This isn't to drag them either, I actually haven't spoken to this person in a few years and don't wish bad on them (just don't get near me) I'm telling this story to show how I internalized a lot of things being said or done to me, thinking I was a bad friend , when really they were that said thing.

Same thing with past romantic relationships, where I got cheated on or got accused of it or arguments happen because something bothered me and I dared to speak up about it. 

You have to learn to not internalize what people say or do to you. Someone mistreating you, hurting you, not listening etc. says more about them than you. People project their pain onto others because they don't have the tools or resources to address their problems, so they use their partners or people around them as scapegoats.

On the other hand, keep in mind when you notice a pattern, to nip it in the butt and it's better to leave before you end up stuck. If you're someone who tends to put your all in relationships and it doesn't work out, don't punish yourself or feel ashamed but evaluate if in these relationships did you get the treatment you gave? Are you avoiding red flags? Are you someone who gets angry and ghosts instead of addressing the issue? *side eyes myself *

Are you someone who stays when you're constantly disrespected? Why? Do you try to control your partner/ friends/ situations ? Why is that ?

Yeah Self Reflection doesn't feel nice am I right? I think as humans in general, we don't like to look at our issues. It's hard to look at yourself and see you have things you need to face. I have been heavily into self love/ self improvement the past few years, and a lot of us have an " inner child" that is scared. And when that child is scared it does things to protect us from " danger". Anything that makes us uncomfortable or scared, that inner child(s) comes out. If you're someone who wants to improve yourself, you have to gently approach this inner child(s). You can simply google what is the inner child wound and how to approach it if you want more information. 

 I can honestly go into a tangent about all these things. But I won't because we will be here forever. I follow a lot of healers and tarot readers and mental health professionals on social media and recommend you do the same. At least if you're mindlessly scrolling Instagram you'll encounter an educational video or a motivational quote to life your mood. 

I want to talk about boundaries, which ties into self love. When someone disrespects a boundary how do you feel? Do you communicate or keep quiet about it? Keeping quiet does nothing but affirm to the person who did the violation, that you may not respect or love yourself enough to correct them. They will continue to do it and it escalates. So when this happens to you, tell said person how you felt and why you're bothered by it. Sometimes people do things and don't realize the impact and are genuinely apologetic. Other people know damn well, and would continue, and once someone shows their ass a few times I say cut them off. Easier said than done but it's better to be surrounded by people who love and respect you and own up their mistakes, rather than surrounded by people who will shame you for feeling a way, and will continue to hurt you. 

On the flip side, you may be a person who violated someone's boundary, you may be someone who engaged in toxic behavior or said or did something that hurt someone's feelings. When you're approached by said thing, try not to be hostile or take it as a personal attack ( if they're coming to you respectfully). Listen to them. It's easy to look at ourselves with no faults and we may feel shame or guilt when we do something that hurts someone we love, but recognizing our faults is the first step to improvement.

This post ended up wayyy deeper than I intended it to be lol. But I hope it gave some insight and advice for those who needed it or happen to come across it.

COMMENT down below your thoughts and what other topics you would like me to touch on in the future ! Thank you all for reading.